Designer Sunglasses: Why Celebrities Never Leave Home Without ‘Em

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Designer Sunglasses: Why Celebrities Never Leave Home Without ‘Em

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 Subscribe To Our Feed

Have you ever wondered why you hardly ever see some celebrities without their sunglasses. Whether they're in a dark wine bar or out on the street at night it doesn't seem to make a difference. Much like flies on dung they can't be separated. In fact, given the Spears / Hilton incidents of late, celebrities are now more likely to leave home with a pair of shades than with underwear.

Confused? By delving into the complex and bewildering psyche of the celebrity mind, we try to answer this age-old riddle:

So they don’t get recognised. Celebrities can't risk getting mobbed by crazed fans on every street corner now can they? Eggheads and quacks alike agree that our brains are programmed to recognise other human faces mainly via their eyes. Obviously those celebrities who wear sunglasses everywhere have researched this fact and acted accordingly. These guys are smarther than you might think!
So they do get recognised. There are certain species of celebrity that actually desire attention of passers-by on the street, and use their designer sunglasses to achieve this. Often they will resort to shock tactics of wearing rather silly bug-eyed specs that attract surprised and even concerned looks from passers by. Some celebrities have actually built their entire personal image around their specs. This latter syndrome is known as the Bono factor, named after the mens glasses icon and aging U2 frontman for his trademark luminous wrap-arounds.
To protect themselves from flash photography. The number one predator of the simple celebrity is the vicious and merciless paparazzi - its natural for celebrities to think about defending themselves. The bigger the celebrity, the more of these deadly adversaries will congregate around them. The paparazzi's primary offensive weapons are their huge flashes, predominantly used to startle their prey and cause gradual yet irreversible damage to their already ruined eye balls (see number 5 for more details on this). Darwin's theory of evolution explains why celebrities with sunglasses are in fact better equipped to survive and procreate than those without.
To hide their wrinkly bags/bloodshot eyes/drunken makeup. You may not have thought it, but this is in actual fact a measure to protect us, the general public. Seriously, if we had to actually see the horrifying state of affairs behind celebrity sunglasses it would cause severe societal problems and our rose-tinted view of our hollywood-dwelling superiors would soome come crashing down around us. Yes, ladies’ glasses of the rich and famous are there for our sake. Believe me.
Drug usage makes your eyes very sensitive. The intense responsibility and pressure that society places on the celebrity species leads them inevitibly to drug abuse. Substances such as tetrahydrocanabinol and opiates cause the pupils to dilate. Mere daylight, even behind a cloud, can cause some serious pain to afflicted celebrities. Think about that next time you tut-tut at celebrity sunglass wearing in ridiculously low light areas.

I hope now I’ve made you think twice before tutting under your breath next time you see a hollywood star sporting ridiculously unneccesary shades in pitch black conditions.

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